Just jokes
10826
41
Aлексей
veteran
This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn' t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU'RE CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as recommended in that time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time."
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
"...in Jesus' name. Amen."
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as recommended in that time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time."
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
"...in Jesus' name. Amen."
Headstones
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went
Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Less
No More
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went
Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Less
No More
Haiku computer error messages
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao - until
You bring fresh toner.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao - until
You bring fresh toner.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
The day finally arrives. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He walks up to the Pearly Gates and is met by St. Peter himself. The good saint says:
"Well, Forrest, we're glad to see you." We have heard a lot about you. I must let you know however, that the place is filling up fast, so we have been giving an entrance examination to everyone. The test is short but you have to pass before you can get into heaven. You need to answer these three questions:
1. What days of the week begin with the letter "T"?
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, that's an easy one. There are two of them~Today and Tomorrow." The saint's eyes open wide in surprise: "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but... I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the second question?" "Now, that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I'll guess the answer to be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve," Forrest answers, "January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on to the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?" "Sure" Forrest replies, "it's Andy." "Andy?" exclaims the exasperated and frustrated saint. "OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of 'Andy' as the first name of God? " "Shucks," Forrest replies, "that was the easiest one of all: ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN." St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and says, "Run, Forrest, run!"
"Well, Forrest, we're glad to see you." We have heard a lot about you. I must let you know however, that the place is filling up fast, so we have been giving an entrance examination to everyone. The test is short but you have to pass before you can get into heaven. You need to answer these three questions:
1. What days of the week begin with the letter "T"?
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, that's an easy one. There are two of them~Today and Tomorrow." The saint's eyes open wide in surprise: "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but... I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the second question?" "Now, that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I'll guess the answer to be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve," Forrest answers, "January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on to the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?" "Sure" Forrest replies, "it's Andy." "Andy?" exclaims the exasperated and frustrated saint. "OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of 'Andy' as the first name of God? " "Shucks," Forrest replies, "that was the easiest one of all: ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN." St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and says, "Run, Forrest, run!"
Interviewer: "Where did you receive your training?" Job Applicant: "Yale."
"Very good. And what's your name?" "Yim Yohnson."
"Very good. And what's your name?" "Yim Yohnson."
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In the court.
Judge (to the witness): Is your appearance here today pursuant to the order we sent you on Friday?
Witness: No, that's just how I usually dress to work...
Judge (to the witness): Is your appearance here today pursuant to the order we sent you on Friday?
Witness: No, that's just how I usually dress to work...
He's a miracle cooker - it's a miracle when he cooks.
Somebody complimented me on my driving today," the blond told her friend. "There was a note on my windshield that read "Parking Fine.
Washington Post Dictionary Winners
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again this year asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's (2003) winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high on the wall.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an as***le.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again this year asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's (2003) winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high on the wall.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an as***le.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
PONTIAC
Poor
Old
Nigger
Thinks
It"s
A
Cadillac
Poor
Old
Nigger
Thinks
It"s
A
Cadillac
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80s and still gainfully employed as a
ribbon salesman, had been trying, unsuccessfully, to sell ribbon to
Macy's for many years.
Last week, he was making another attempt and was speaking to
the Anti-Semitic buyer.
"Goldstein," the buyer said, "you've been trying to sell ribbon to
me for at least 25 years. Now is your chance. Send me some yellow
ribbon, but only enough to reach from the tip of your nose to the
tip of your penis" he smirked.
Three days later, four tractor-trailers full of yellow ribbon drove
up to the receiving dock of Macy's. The ribbon buyer went
ballistic. He called Goldstein and said, "I ordered yellow ribbon,
enough to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your
penis, and you sent me four tractor trailers full of ribbon!"
Goldstein replied, " Yes, the tip of my penis is in Poland."
ribbon salesman, had been trying, unsuccessfully, to sell ribbon to
Macy's for many years.
Last week, he was making another attempt and was speaking to
the Anti-Semitic buyer.
"Goldstein," the buyer said, "you've been trying to sell ribbon to
me for at least 25 years. Now is your chance. Send me some yellow
ribbon, but only enough to reach from the tip of your nose to the
tip of your penis" he smirked.
Three days later, four tractor-trailers full of yellow ribbon drove
up to the receiving dock of Macy's. The ribbon buyer went
ballistic. He called Goldstein and said, "I ordered yellow ribbon,
enough to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your
penis, and you sent me four tractor trailers full of ribbon!"
Goldstein replied, " Yes, the tip of my penis is in Poland."
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
What is the difference between a wife and a job?
- After 10 years the job still sucks.
- After 10 years the job still sucks.
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer
can't be found. So she drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to
her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the
horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, I think I can
stand over the hole! So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, grab
for my "thingy" and pull yourself up. The chicken did and pulled herself to
safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
Mercedes to pick up chicks
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer
can't be found. So she drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to
her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the
horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, I think I can
stand over the hole! So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, grab
for my "thingy" and pull yourself up. The chicken did and pulled herself to
safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
Mercedes to pick up chicks
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER................
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
Morning at the casino. Two bored dealers are delighted when an attractive lady comes to their crap table and puts down $20,000 down on a single roll of the dice. "I hope you don't mind" she says "but I feel much luckier when I'm topless." With that she removes both blouse and bra. She rolls the dice, yelling "Momma needs a new shirt!" Then she jumps up and down and hugs the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one to them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"
A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then she says, Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,
"Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale."
The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then she says, Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,
"Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale."
just wanted to say that topic is for jokes that are based on English words, e.g. word-play. Not for mere jokes that can be easy translated into any language.
OK. Here you are. 
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a
Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the German says unbelievingly.
"Look at ze papers: zis car is designed to kerry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian. Quattro meansa four. You hava 5
people ina your car and you are thereforea breakinga tha law!."
The German driver is angry, - "You idiot! Call ze supervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone
viz more intelligence!."
"Sorry", says the Italian, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno...."
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a
Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the German says unbelievingly.
"Look at ze papers: zis car is designed to kerry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian. Quattro meansa four. You hava 5
people ina your car and you are thereforea breakinga tha law!."
The German driver is angry, - "You idiot! Call ze supervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone
viz more intelligence!."
"Sorry", says the Italian, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno...."
Birdie, birdie in the sky -
Dropped some white stuff in my eye
I`m a big boy, i`ll not cry
I`m just glad that cows don`t fly!:)
Dropped some white stuff in my eye
I`m a big boy, i`ll not cry
I`m just glad that cows don`t fly!:)
A dialog between Moscow taxi driver (TD) and a NEGRO (N) passenger.
(N) – Please, drive me to the hotel – brother.
(TD) – a hippopotamus is your brother!
(N) – hundred bucks – brother!
TD – get in – brother.
(N) – Please, drive me to the hotel – brother.
(TD) – a hippopotamus is your brother!
(N) – hundred bucks – brother!
TD – get in – brother.
We’ve [censored] everything, it’s true
Just except the nail and pricker
Nail is very hard to screw
Pricker must be little thicker
My advice to future bride:
Don't get married, silly!
Morning comes - your boobs aside,
Snatch is rumpled illy...
I am dragging to the bushes
this would-soon-be-legend.
Kinda shy of [censored] here
Queen of Beauty Pageant...
My plant is roaring just like bee-hive
[censored], is that boring - I [censored] this life!
Down the river drifts an axe
From the town of Byron.
Let it float by itself -
[censored] piece of iron!!!
Nick is sitting at the door,
Neither dancing, singing nor,
He is sitting, deaf and dumb,
Thinking only "Whom to hump?"
Little Nickie is very sad:
doesn't want to ride moped,
doesn't want to ride his horse
wants to have an intercourse.
Time has shifted for an hour - what a mess on globe
Dick was hard before wakeup, now it's up at work.
Girls have called me to the party - I decided not to come,
It's because my сlothing ugly and my dick is tiny one.
I was sleeping with my honey absolutely naked,
I have took my panties off just to make a statement.
Nick is crossing village slowly - outside it's cold and snowy.
But his dick is up and running just in case if something's coming
Starlet's fallen from the heavens
Right into my boyfriend's briefs,
I don't mind his roasted penis
If it helps us live in peace?
Train is speeding from Tambov
Tailgate lights are on and off,
Girls aboard would - what the heck! -
[censored] their way through ticket check
Fish in thick tomato sauce
Swims in happy comatose
Only me, pathetic whimp
Have no [censored] place to swim?
Girls had fight at country hut
Over who's the hairest cunt.
Well, more hair of the most
Had the beaver of the host.
You were mine the other day,
Mike is screwing you today.
He's got cock as thick as trees
On the Shishkin's masterpiece...
Have you seen four dicks together
Dancing on a mountain peak?
And one dick had [censored] another
But with yet another dick
Just except the nail and pricker
Nail is very hard to screw
Pricker must be little thicker
My advice to future bride:
Don't get married, silly!
Morning comes - your boobs aside,
Snatch is rumpled illy...
I am dragging to the bushes
this would-soon-be-legend.
Kinda shy of [censored] here
Queen of Beauty Pageant...
My plant is roaring just like bee-hive
[censored], is that boring - I [censored] this life!
Down the river drifts an axe
From the town of Byron.
Let it float by itself -
[censored] piece of iron!!!
Nick is sitting at the door,
Neither dancing, singing nor,
He is sitting, deaf and dumb,
Thinking only "Whom to hump?"
Little Nickie is very sad:
doesn't want to ride moped,
doesn't want to ride his horse
wants to have an intercourse.
Time has shifted for an hour - what a mess on globe
Dick was hard before wakeup, now it's up at work.
Girls have called me to the party - I decided not to come,
It's because my сlothing ugly and my dick is tiny one.
I was sleeping with my honey absolutely naked,
I have took my panties off just to make a statement.
Nick is crossing village slowly - outside it's cold and snowy.
But his dick is up and running just in case if something's coming
Starlet's fallen from the heavens
Right into my boyfriend's briefs,
I don't mind his roasted penis
If it helps us live in peace?
Train is speeding from Tambov
Tailgate lights are on and off,
Girls aboard would - what the heck! -
[censored] their way through ticket check
Fish in thick tomato sauce
Swims in happy comatose
Only me, pathetic whimp
Have no [censored] place to swim?
Girls had fight at country hut
Over who's the hairest cunt.
Well, more hair of the most
Had the beaver of the host.
You were mine the other day,
Mike is screwing you today.
He's got cock as thick as trees
On the Shishkin's masterpiece...
Have you seen four dicks together
Dancing on a mountain peak?
And one dick had [censored] another
But with yet another dick
Yet another epitaph (on a dentist's grave):
Stranger! Approach this spot with gravity!
Mr. Brown is filling his last cavity.
A lady there was of Antigua,
Who remarked to her spouse: "What a pigua!",
He retorted: "My Queen! Is that manners you mean,
or do you refer to my figua?"
The best short joke of 2003:
A little boy is lost in a big shopping mall. He approaches a policeman.
- I lost my grandpa
- What's he like?
-Jack Daniels and women with big tits!
Stranger! Approach this spot with gravity!
Mr. Brown is filling his last cavity.
A lady there was of Antigua,
Who remarked to her spouse: "What a pigua!",
He retorted: "My Queen! Is that manners you mean,
or do you refer to my figua?"
The best short joke of 2003:
A little boy is lost in a big shopping mall. He approaches a policeman.
- I lost my grandpa
- What's he like?
-Jack Daniels and women with big tits!
- I want some onion.
- Excuse me, mam, but there is no onion here now.
- But I need onion!
- Excuse me, mam, again. I"m really sorry, but...
- You say - no onion?
- Yes!
- Hm: It was here two days ago!
- Very sorry! No onion now...
- But...
- OK, mam! Please, would you answer this question: how many "t"
letters in word "potato"?
- Two!
- Yes! Good! And once more: how many "t" letters in "tomato"?
- Two!
- Exactly! You're right! And how many words "f#ck" in "onion"?
- Hm: No f#ck in onion!
- Yes! That is what I am trying to explain you: "NO F#CKING ONION HERE!!!"
- Excuse me, mam, but there is no onion here now.
- But I need onion!
- Excuse me, mam, again. I"m really sorry, but...
- You say - no onion?
- Yes!
- Hm: It was here two days ago!
- Very sorry! No onion now...
- But...
- OK, mam! Please, would you answer this question: how many "t"
letters in word "potato"?
- Two!
- Yes! Good! And once more: how many "t" letters in "tomato"?
- Two!
- Exactly! You're right! And how many words "f#ck" in "onion"?
- Hm: No f#ck in onion!
- Yes! That is what I am trying to explain you: "NO F#CKING ONION HERE!!!"
A woman placed an ad (short for advertisement) in the personal section of her local newspaper.
The ad began 'Husband wanted'.
A few days later the postman came and delivered over a hundred letters. The woman was very excited and started to open them.
However she was soon disappointed as all the letters were from married women who wrote "You can have mine".
The ad began 'Husband wanted'.
A few days later the postman came and delivered over a hundred letters. The woman was very excited and started to open them.
However she was soon disappointed as all the letters were from married women who wrote "You can have mine".
A man (you decide the nationality!) was on holiday in the South of France and couldn't understand why his friend Pierre was so successful with the ladies.
He asked Pierre the secret, and Pierre answered, "It's simple. Take a potato and put it down your swimming trunks. Then walk up and down the beach. It drives the women wild."
So the man put a potato down his swimming trunks and walked up and down the beach.
After four hours of walking up and down without any women showing interest in him he went to see Pierre again, and said, "I've tried what you said, Pierre, but it doesn't work."
Pierre took one look at the man and said, "Maybe you should try putting the potato down the front of your swimming trunks."
He asked Pierre the secret, and Pierre answered, "It's simple. Take a potato and put it down your swimming trunks. Then walk up and down the beach. It drives the women wild."
So the man put a potato down his swimming trunks and walked up and down the beach.
After four hours of walking up and down without any women showing interest in him he went to see Pierre again, and said, "I've tried what you said, Pierre, but it doesn't work."
Pierre took one look at the man and said, "Maybe you should try putting the potato down the front of your swimming trunks."
Первый урок, английский для начинающих:
"Три ведьмы разглядывают трое часов "Свотч". Какая из ведьм разглядывает какие часы?" Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch watch?
Второй урок, английский для продвинутых учеников:
"Три ведьмы-трансвеститки разглядывают три кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая из ведьм-трансвеститок разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?" Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?
Третий и последний урок, английский для абсолютных профессионалов: "Три швейцарских ведьмы-сучки, желающих изменить свой пол, разглядывают три кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая из швейцарских ведьм-сучек, желающих изменить свой пол,разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?" Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch, which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?
"Три ведьмы разглядывают трое часов "Свотч". Какая из ведьм разглядывает какие часы?" Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch watch?
Второй урок, английский для продвинутых учеников:
"Три ведьмы-трансвеститки разглядывают три кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая из ведьм-трансвеститок разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?" Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?
Третий и последний урок, английский для абсолютных профессионалов: "Три швейцарских ведьмы-сучки, желающих изменить свой пол, разглядывают три кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая из швейцарских ведьм-сучек, желающих изменить свой пол,разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?" Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch, which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.
"A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".
out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.
"A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".
Беседа Буша и Кондолизы Райс )))
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What\'s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That\'s what I want to know.
Condi: That\'s what I\'m telling you.
George: That\'s what I\'m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow\'s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya\' asking me for?
Condi: I\'m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I\'m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That\'s the man\'s name.
George: That\'s who\'s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That\'s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don\'t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What\'s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That\'s what I want to know.
Condi: That\'s what I\'m telling you.
George: That\'s what I\'m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow\'s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya\' asking me for?
Condi: I\'m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I\'m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That\'s the man\'s name.
George: That\'s who\'s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That\'s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don\'t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, theonlyaboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who hasthe balls to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc throughthe air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Jimmy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won thebet."
"How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"
Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*#t who pushed me in the Pool.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Jimmy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won thebet."
"How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"
Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*#t who pushed me in the Pool.
A psychologist and sociologist from Liverpool University in England decided to undertake some research into the possible adverse effects of assembly line work on the sex lives of car workers at the nearby Ford car production plant. The assembly line was shut and one thousand sexually active men were called to a large hall where they sat down in rows.
The psychologist and the sociologist stood on a raised platform in front of the bemused work force. The sociologist began to explain the purpose of the survey. The mere suggestion that their sex drive may be diminished by their working conditions was met with a loud outburst of guffawing and stamping of feet as the workers looked incredulously around the hall at each other. The psychologist began the survey:
- Gentlemen. I would like you all to stand.
There was a loud scraping of chairs as the men got to their feet.
- Please sit down if we make love at least once a night.
There was a big crash as approximately four hundred men sat down holding their heads up high. The sociologist noticed the numbers, the psychologist continued:
- Sit down if you make love at least once a week.
In response, there was even greater crash as five hundred men resumed their seats. Of the one hundred remaining on their feet, one men stood out. He had the broadest smile that the scientists had ever seen. The psychologist continued:
- Once a fortnight.
Ninety-eight relieved men sat down, their ordeal over. The man with the smile remained and it was obvious that the other man was near retirement. His shoulders was stooped and he clutched onto his walking stick to steady himself.
- Once a month, - the psychologist continued.
The old man sat down to resounding cheers. The man with the smile simply beamed. He showed no signs of discomfort, shame and embarrassment. The other men whispered to each other and the hall was filled with the sound of giggling.
- Once every two months? ... Once every three months? ... Once every four months? ...Once every five months? ... Once every six months?
The man continued to stand and smile broadly. The psychologist continued:
- Once every nine months?... Once a YEAR?
The man sat down to a stunned silence. The psychologist failed to understand how someone denied one of the basic pleasures of life for greater part of the year could support such a look of contentment. His curiosity finally got the better of him and he asked the question that was on the lips of everybody in the hall.
- Why are smiling when you only make love once a year?
Without the slightest hesitation the men replied:
........................................................... (Guess this line)
The psychologist and the sociologist stood on a raised platform in front of the bemused work force. The sociologist began to explain the purpose of the survey. The mere suggestion that their sex drive may be diminished by their working conditions was met with a loud outburst of guffawing and stamping of feet as the workers looked incredulously around the hall at each other. The psychologist began the survey:
- Gentlemen. I would like you all to stand.
There was a loud scraping of chairs as the men got to their feet.
- Please sit down if we make love at least once a night.
There was a big crash as approximately four hundred men sat down holding their heads up high. The sociologist noticed the numbers, the psychologist continued:
- Sit down if you make love at least once a week.
In response, there was even greater crash as five hundred men resumed their seats. Of the one hundred remaining on their feet, one men stood out. He had the broadest smile that the scientists had ever seen. The psychologist continued:
- Once a fortnight.
Ninety-eight relieved men sat down, their ordeal over. The man with the smile remained and it was obvious that the other man was near retirement. His shoulders was stooped and he clutched onto his walking stick to steady himself.
- Once a month, - the psychologist continued.
The old man sat down to resounding cheers. The man with the smile simply beamed. He showed no signs of discomfort, shame and embarrassment. The other men whispered to each other and the hall was filled with the sound of giggling.
- Once every two months? ... Once every three months? ... Once every four months? ...Once every five months? ... Once every six months?
The man continued to stand and smile broadly. The psychologist continued:
- Once every nine months?... Once a YEAR?
The man sat down to a stunned silence. The psychologist failed to understand how someone denied one of the basic pleasures of life for greater part of the year could support such a look of contentment. His curiosity finally got the better of him and he asked the question that was on the lips of everybody in the hall.
- Why are smiling when you only make love once a year?
Without the slightest hesitation the men replied:
........................................................... (Guess this line)
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'... So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'... So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said...
"HELLLLO... You need to roll up the windows"
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said...
"HELLLLO... You need to roll up the windows"
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
about men and women
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.
6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.
6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Black joke but in English for sure:
Little Johnny is standing at the side of a river, weeping. His tears are streaming down his cheeks. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him. "What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"
"It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday..."
"That's awful indeed!", the lady replied angrily, " Your father is a real monster!'
"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that I could do it."
Little Johnny is standing at the side of a river, weeping. His tears are streaming down his cheeks. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him. "What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"
"It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday..."
"That's awful indeed!", the lady replied angrily, " Your father is a real monster!'
"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that I could do it."
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